I get several emails every week asking me about the dynamics of life here in Morocco or about relationship questions. I love getting email from readers, especially those who tell me they feel a personal connection – what a compliment! Sometimes it can feel like I'm writing into space, but getting those bits of feedback truly mean so much as I continue to write and explore topics that are personal to me but may help someone else.
Recently I've been getting many messages from families who are considering a move to Morocco, either permanently or temporarily. Every family, and individual's situation is unique so my advice can't be all encompassing – it's merely my observations and experience.
With that today's question is one I'm regularly asked; should we live with my in-laws or should we get our own place?
My answer almost 100% of the time will be if you can, get your own place.
But, before I leave it at that let me back up and discuss both arrangements. In some traditional Moroccan homes it's still common for men to live at home after they're married. The new wife moves into the family home.
The couple has their own room but all other aspects of life are shared. The role of the daughter in law is to take on household responsibilities. The mother in law has done her time and so cleaning, cooking, washing etc falls to the younger women – who most often are directed by the mother/mother-in-law on the “proper way” (i.e. her way) to do these things. Most Moroccan women who move into this type of family inherently know and accept that this is the way things are, though they may not like it.
If you're a foreign woman who is coming into a family like this the expectations are similar though not really the same. I've found that most often a foreign woman occupies a third space.
You don't have all the rights and privileges that a man does, however you're not expected to know or understand the roles as a Moroccan woman would. You can take the both of best worlds but at the cost of never really being fully accepted in either one.
Sound complicated?
It is.
As an adult who has lived independently, you have your own way of doing things. If you have children you parented them in the way you and your spouse determined before living in Morocco. For example you may not believe in physical punishment for children.
Expect that to be challenged.
You might have your own technique for cleaning floors, or standard for washing laundry.
Chances are it will be different and it will be challenged.
You may work out of the home or enjoy going to meet friends for a cup of coffee. Expect that your in-laws won't understand why you need to do this.
Your ways will be foreign even if your in-laws are worldly and have traveled or visited your country. If there's one thing I've learned it's that your ways are often seen as wrong, when in reality they're just different.
As a bit of background when we moved here we moved into my husband's family home and have lived in the house for 5 years now. It is a “riad style” home with an open middle courtyard and several floors. We live on the top floor in our own “apartment”. I have my own kitchen, bedrooms, living room, and bathroom.
My mother in law along with one sister in law and her children live on the second floor and the first floor is a common area. Because this is the family home it is very common to have my husbands other sisters and their children here, especially on the weekends. I'm going to share the pros and cons, depending on your personality you'll have to decide what is a pro and what is a con!
Pros and Cons
- it's a shared home, and so you lack control over noise and who comes and goes.
- there is a lack of privacy and personal space even if you have your own floor
- shared expenses unless this has been divided somehow or established ahead of time
- loss of independence. You are not as free to come and go as you might be if you were living alone – that is without questions and shared opinions.
- Your business becomes everyone's business – and they often are more than happy to share their opinion either to your face or behind your back.
- skewed expectations unless this has been very firmly established ahead of time.
- Jealousy and competition over the “man of the house” – especially if it's your husband.
- there is almost always someone to help with the children
- you can alternate cooking. For example in our home my sister in law always makes lunch that we all typically eat together and we each prepare dinner for our respective families.
- You're rarely ever alone.
- Cost of living is reduced. If you're on a fixed income this is one way to not have as many housing expenses.
- A greater sense of family
Our first year living in the house was not a happy time. Not only was I dealing with culture shock and adjusting to life here the issues that come with living in a shared home took their toll. My mother in law and I rarely saw eye to eye. While she was thrilled to have her son back in Morocco I often felt that she saw me as a threat and a competitor for his affection. This was very strange for me.
One of the reasons we moved here was so that he and our children could spend more time with her! I had never experienced this type of competition for affection and truthfully didn't know how to respond. She also didn't understand why I would spend all day upstairs in our apartment, it took a long time for her to grasp that I wasn't avoiding them but I was working.
It took a long time for her to realize I wasn't going to come and wash floors or do laundry like a Moroccan wife would – but I was happy to contribute financially and pay for someone to come to the house to do that work. In her defense because I felt so much pressure to “be” the person they thought I should be I did avoid them. I would stay upstairs for days on end just so I didn't have to answer the questions.
I am sharing all of this in hopes of giving others a look into what this transition was like. Today I am at peace with our decision though ideally we would be in our own apartment nearby.
I know there are some of you reading who will say, “well they're just trying to help! They just want to share with you and show you there's another way.”
To which I say yes, certainly.
Be open minded of course but also don't be afraid to hold your own. For example, I refuse to hit my children and have had countless arguments with my in-laws about this practice. In Morocco it's seen as normal but for me it is a hard and fast line I won't cross.
Many times I have been asked to just see it their way and change my way, and in some ways yes I can do this but it shouldn't always be the non-Moroccan that is asked to make the change, sometimes it has to be them. Don't be afraid to put your foot down, draw your boundaries, and stick with it!
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Hanna says
Dear Amanda,
I am a German girl who recently fell in love with a Moroccan guy. Now I am weighing my options for a future with him to see we even have a chance at all… The whole thing still seems pretty crazy to me. So I appreciate your blog a lot! It helps me get more clarity on so many questions I have.
So I have one question concerning family:
I’d like to know how important uncles, aunts and cousins are in a Moroccan man’s (married/family) life, especially if his parents are no longer around and he is an only child? Like for example, would an aunt usually take on the role of the mother in this scenario?
I really appreciate your reply!
Best regards
Hanna
Amanda Mouttaki says
It depends on the family and the age that they’ve lost their parents but extended family like that are very important and yes quite likely an aunt/uncle would step in to fill that parent role.
Caroline says
Hi Amanda,
I love your writing, I love your honesty! Though I have a completely different story, I understand what you are talking about.
You do a great job with your blog and your work. Love to meet you one day. Sidi Kaouki is not that far from Marrakech…
Caroline
Jameela says
Thank you Amanda for this post.
I agree with the pros n cons 100%!
Allah make it easy on you and your family.
We plan to move there and be back and forth, but definitely getting our own place.
We had plan to come this summer, but didn’t look for a place so unfortunately we wont make it. Staying with fam isn’t a choice. Especially having little kids.
Liz says
Thanks Amanda. Abdel and I are hoping to retire to Morocco in a few years. Right now we’re saving to buy a house there. He said there is no way we want to live with his family. In fact, he’s not sure we want to even live in the same city because of the lack of privacy you mentioned. His family is huge and there would always be someone in our house if we lived too close. Your blogs are helping me prepare for ur eventual life there.
Ella says
I needed this as my mother in law is staying with us for a month and my Arabic is nonexistent. My anxiety is at an all time high. Sitting in the house all day drinking tea is not my ideal day. The struggle has been real.
Larissa says
My Moroccan mother in law has been living with us in America for the last year working on getting citizenship. It’s been a nightmare! She destroyed her relationships with her other 2 daughter in laws who are Moroccan and now she has finally destroyed it with me who was her “favorite” because I’ve been nothing but sweet and tolerant but this bitch pushed too far! The jealousy and competitiveness to win her sons heart over his wife is so immature. Her backbiting, shit talking and materialistic shallowness has caused me to loose all respect for her. I could go on and on but I’m sure you can relate because these bitches are all the same or if it’s only been a month then she still has her fake face on but give it some time and shatan will surely come out!
Kaela says
Thanks so much for your blog it really helps to have someone to relate to in what can seem a very lonely world here with the in laws in Marrakech.
I have been with my spouse for 8 years and there is always something trying whenever I come. The biggest challenge is the language barrier. To not understand them and to have them not understand me is at times frustrating. There is a lot of misunderstanding going on and I quite often feel they are talking about me behind my back right to my face lol!
I also am so frustrated each time as I often am stuck inside especially at night when my husband goes out. Unlike home, I can’t just go for a walk or go to the market (Jenna el fna ) without it being seen as bad behavior. Even to go to the market is not even safe or it is just pure harassment. I can’t seem to figure out what to do to be truly liked and accepted and it is very depressing and frustrating. We are just leaving now after being here for a month and at this point I feel like I never want to come back. The cultures are too different and it is too depressing.
Amanda Mouttaki says
I think you really have to decide what is important to you. I go out alone a lot and sometimes there is some harassment but perhaps I’ve learned to just not let it bother me. The language issue is big and it takes a lot of time. It took me more than 2 years to learn enough to feel confident communicating at even a basic level. Does your husband have to go out at night? I think that’s a conversation you need to have especially as it relates to isolation – how would he feel in the reverse situation? Also what you mention about being liked or accepted, I gave that up about 7 months into moving to Morocco. I chose to just be me. They could like me or not but I was miserable trying to be someone I wasn’t.
Mel says
“Be open minded of course but also don’t be afraid to hold your own.”
I need to remember this.
My “mother-in-law”, myself and my boyfriend are moving into a condo and I am pretty nervous about living with her. I’ve lived with my partner for 4 years perviously (currently we live separately) I’ve been on my own for 5 years. This is going to be a big adjustment. She is old-world Salvadorian, so for her this is more the norm, but for me this is totally foreign territory.
Ashley Michaels says
I TOTALLY relate. I live with my Moroccan in laws. Going on year three with lots of travel back and forth to the US. I have to admit my in laws are really amazingly open minded but even still I find myself ” hiding out “Though I work online and occupy my time in other productive ways. I think they still fjnd it very odd that I’m not always in the family salon with them drinking tea and talking.
klm says
LOL… love this article. This is 100% why I don’t want to live in Morocco. My husband’s family is huge. Even though we now have our own home and a few apartments is another city… his family is overwhelmingly large. When visiting we use to stay with his parents, but everyone just comes by whenever and whenever without notice. Coming from a major city this kind of behaviour is very different. Though having large family can at times be great, having everyone watching your every move is just crazy annoying. Also they are really big on their traditions. Many Moroccans outside of major cities have little if any exposure to different religions or cultures outside of TV so they really don’t know how to react to the cultural differences. I think I was probably the first non-Muslim person 90% of my husband’s family had ever met.
I have 12 sister in laws that are all housewives and I am North American woman living and working is a professional position in a major North American city. Being use to coming and going as I please and doing stuff on my own day and night as I please would not fly well my husband’s family. I think for my own sanity I would never move there. I think if you are used to having your own home and privacy moving in with your Moroccan in-laws can be overwhelming because in Morocco when you say in-laws you are not talking about their mother and father … you are talking about everyone … like EVERYONE they are related to just coming by whenever because that is how the culture is.
Also if you are not Muslim … every other member of the family will casually at every opportunity try and convince you to convert, which I always find disrespectful, but they don’t really know any better because they are not really use other religious groups or cultural groups being around.
Looking forwards to hearing more about your experiences living in Morocco… at some point I might end up having to stay there for a prolonged period of time so hearing about your experiences will be beneficial.
Mona says
Hi chris- as a moroccan i know that they want you to feel welcomed and loved if they dont let you help with the kitchen, you should feel very cherished 🙂
Taous says
Amanda,
I stumbled on your blog today and am so happy I did! My husband and I lived with his family, in Algeria, the first 3 years of our marriage. We’ve are now in the US since 2012-but back and forth to Algeria for work. I would have loved to have connected to a blog like this while I was there! We had a shared kitchen which was a point of contention. I have never washed so many dishes! But in many ways the kitchen was my refuge because I could listen to podcasts as I worked and that helped me stay sane. I look forward to reading more.
Amanda Mouttaki says
Glad to hear from others that have been in or are in a similar situation. It’s not easy but I like to think it’s character building!
Evelyn says
Thank you for a really great read…..all that you have written is SO familiar even though I live in Algeria and I don’t live with my in-laws. But I have so many friends who have gone through so many similar experiences with Algerian in-laws. I love the fact that you don’t ‘blame’ anyone, that there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way but just a ‘different’ way. Looking forward to reading more of your blog inshallah!
Lori says
Hi Amanda –
I haven’t lived in Morocco, and have only visited for a month at a time. I think your description of a foreign woman occupying a third space is exactly right. My sisters-in-law don’t let me help with anything, but I wonder how they feel about that. Maybe they think I’m a prima donna. I know they don’t understand my work, which probably looks to them like I’m browsing the web all day since my work is all done on the computer. And I agree with you that it seems like we (non-Moroccans) are always expected to change. I give you A LOT of credit for embracing the Moroccan life!
– Lori
Linda says
Hi, Amanda,
My husband and I are planning to make an 8 day tour of Morocco in a few weeks. I found your blog while reading about the cuisine of Morocco. And I am now a follower on Instagram. Nice photos! Your situation in the family home is not as unique as you can imagine. If I had moved into my Dutch mother-in-law’s home 35 years ago, things would have been very similar to yours. But I didn’t! I will be reading more of your blog and hope to have a super time in Morocco. The tour is a German one, and that will be interesting since I speak no German! Always, [email protected] Blog
Susan Peric says
Very interesting post! I love your blog!
chris chadli says
I am so glad to read this… I was living with my moroccan family … but only for a month.. and was surprised that they would not let me do a thing. I would help set up for dinner and lunch and then try to help to clean up after too, but they tried to tell me, no, no , no and I did anyways… I was treated like a queen.. The whole family of 8 and myself all lived in the same home, on one floor .. there was two salons and one cuisine and they a center room was like the entrance reception area into the home..
I never got to cook, wash dishes or clothes, and tried to clean up the family rooms when I could… I hated not having anything to do.. When My husband was out I had nothing to do or anywhere to go… and do not speak arabic but for a few words.. I so wish to learn to speak the language, but don’t know where to start.. I have Rosetta Stone’s arabic, but it is much different than what they speak… mostly! Glad you posted this.. I wondered how you survived the living situation. Do you speak arabic? and the boys???
Amanda Mouttaki says
Hi Chris – I think that’s very typical when you’re visiting. It’s a different story when you live there! Learning the language takes time. Rosetta stone won’t help, as darija is very different. I have a page on the website under Resources that has some links to different resources for learning Darija. Please check it out! I do speak enough Darija now to handle basic conversations, go out alone, ask directions, shop etc. My children speak nearly fluent Darija now as well. They are much better than me! I wish there was a way to learn the language easier but I feel like it’s truly something you have to be immersed in for a long period of time. I find I go through plateaus. I learn a lot then it levels off, and have to work hard to go up the next step.
Anonymous says
sorry to interrupt but you must learn Moroccan arabic – “darija” Darija is a dialect of Morocco and not to be confused with Amazigh. There are many youtube videos teaching Darija. ☺
coffee in a cup says
such an interesting read! thank you for being so open about the subject and for taking the time to share 🙂
Jessica says
Thank you Amanda! I’m for sure one of those asking about this topic. Is interesting and some how a relief to know that there are others in the same situation. I love your response to this questions and how you are so honest about it. I’ve spent time with my in laws, and I completely agree with you. I love my in laws and I think I’m lucky since I got some open minded ones. They also have spent time with us here and have seen how life is different everywhere. Probably that helps too. There’s so much to talk about this but I just want to thank you for taking the time to reply to all of us and help me personally with my decision making process. I think I’m going to book a “food tour” when I get there just to meet you and your family. Thanks again. Jessica