Many months ago I shared an article on my Facebook page that was another blogger’s negative experience in Morocco. There was a variety of responses (you can jump over and read them all) but what I found the most was that opening up the conversation gave me a way to being to understand and more importantly put into words my own feelings.
We’ve lived in Morocco for 16 months.
It’s been great, challenging, happy, sad, frustrating, wonderful, and sometimes just downright hard.
But, I haven’t always been honest about what I’m going through, partly because I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining. So let me try to explain. For many, there’s a romanticism involved with “moving to Morocco” and especially moving to “Marrakech.” I get that. I’ve heard people say how lucky we are, and how they’d love to do it. But, we’re not lucky – we chose to make this move and you could choose to make it too. We don’t spend everyday living in the lap of luxury. We work, take care of our kids, go to buy groceries, and do everything else people do no matter where in the world they live. By choosing to move here, we also gave up a lot. Everything has trade-offs. One of those trade-offs is the inevitable emotional rollercoaster.
I go through periods where I felt catatonic. One of those times looked like this. The kids had gone back to school for the afternoon, and even though I had plenty to do I couldn’t move. I laid in bed, curled up, and I cried. And cried. And cried. Over nothing specifically, really I couldn’t even put my finger on what was wrong. I knew that I had hit the low point of culture shock. MarocBaba came into the room and held me, and let me cry, and told me it was normal and that everything would be ok. (Remember, he went through this in the US) I apologized to him so many times for how I had acted when he was going through this, and how if I had only known what it felt like I would have been better, have been more compassionate, more understanding. But until you’re there, until you’re looking at it face-to-face you just can’t know.
Culture shock has four stages; the honeymoon stage, rejection/frustration, depression/isolation, and adjustment/adaptation. I can tell you when I went through each one because I see it now. In the beginning everything is new and exciting, but then small frustrations start to creep in. The “why can’t they do it this way?” and “they’re so backwards,” comments become common places. It’s a very negative time. I was there. Then the worst. The depression and isolation. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I went to sleep as soon as possible. I didn’t want to go out. If I did go out I had to have someone with me. In fact there were times I was so paralyzed with anxiety I couldn’t even drive the car. How can I forget binging on Kit Kats for several weeks straight.
I’m slowly coming out of this. Together (MarocBaba and I) are learning what works and how to move past it. For me, getting away and having new experiences is a big help. Even if it’s just going for a car ride, or drinking coffee in a favorite cafe. Of course, trying new restaurants and taking longer trips is a great way to boost my spirits! I know I can’t stay in the house for more than a day or two, I need to get out. I also know having regular interactions with people outside of my immediate family is important. The more language I learn and freedom I have the easier life becomes.
I don’t blame Morocco as a country for my feelings, I know that they’re natural parts of moving somewhere completely new. Sure there are things about living here that are enough to drive anyone up a wall and that test your patience but it’s a part of finding a rhythm and accepting some parts of a new life. If you’re considering an expat life know that these emotions are going to happen at some point. You might not realize it when you’re going through them but you will eventually.
Remember, there’s a light shining on the other end of that (sometimes very) long tunnel.
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Edwige says
Hi Amanda,
I think what you wrote there is true. As a Cameroonian, I’ve been living in London for the past 9.5 years juggling a high flying and highly paid ( by London income standards) business career. I have been through all the stages you have described in your mail. I’ve been battling clinical depression for the past 1.5 years as a result of it.
Strangely enough the only place in the world ,where I was fortunate enough to live for a year , and where I always feel at home before my move to London is Morocco, most particularly MARRAKECH. As an “Afropolitan” multi-
linguist and a former francophone journalist , Morocco is the only place in the world where I genuinely felt at home and in my own skin. The people are genuinely nice ; even the difficult ones were easy to handle for me . Finally, handling bureaucracy there was a walk in the park compared to the British bureaucracy.
I am still going back and forth between the UK and Morocco both for business and pleasure. Hopefully, in two years’time I will opt to spend another year or two in Marrakech – my city of love.
Have a lovely time in Morocco!!
Cinda says
Ah yes – we hate to admit that the expat life is a double-edged sword. But you have opened up your mind and your whole world.
Marlene Pauly (@_cocomorocco) says
So nice to read your article Amanda, I realize moving to Morocco was easier for me then moving to Stockholm about 25 years ago. And I know now why!
All the steps you discribe here were new for me then and I wanted to resist and show I could handle it. Now I have been going through it with the ‘AHA’ feeling. And that makes it a lot easier! You know things will change…
The next thing I can tell you, no matter where you move, every country you have lived in stays in your heart and will be for ever your ‘other’ home.
Good luck and hope to meet you soon in Marrakech or Essaouira 🙂
kate says
How long does the honeymoon period last – I must still be in it. I have found that every single day, so far, that a good and or great thing happens out of the blue. I am constantly getting wonderful surprises – big and small.
Amanda Mouttaki says
I’ve been told it depends on the person. Some people never go through culture shock, and some people never get through it. Here’s hoping you’re someone that doesn’t have to go through it!
Chris King says
Thank-you for sharing your feelings and everything you’re going through – it’s perfectly normal to feel like that as you’re aware. However, for many expats (and inpats, returning to their home culture) it’s that perception of isolation and wanting an escape route (in any context) that creeps up on you that causes a lot of anguish and pain.
We became so concerned over the years, that we developed a method to empower expats to live their lives wherever they are, rather than merely existing. Thankfully several companies already use this kind of method; but for most expats, stuck in the long cycle and circle of what you describe, it offers a lot of empowerment for individuals (and families!) to regain control and get the most out of their expat life.
Apart from the stages you mention, expats also have daily life to contend with of course (as you mention) – and that’s where many families, individuals or companies, fail in their understanding of what’s required to make an assignment (or long-term choice to move somewhere) successful. Some offer a day or two of cultural integration training, which at the start of your move seems like a waste of time – either because you’re too busy with logistics or new work aspects, or indeed hugely excited, that you can’t ever perceive it bringing anything useful. However, a two-day training session is of very limited use – due to that recurrent fact that life continues, and you have to do your shopping, take the kids to school, get your visas renewed, have the car fixed etc., whilst dealing with all the usual family or relationship issues exacerbated by pressures of expat life.
So to cut a long story short, what we recommend, is a minimum three-day cultural integration course, which covers everything from daily living to the psychological stuff, and then regular follow-up and contact on a coaching basis – basically someone being there as a guide to keep you sane and healthy, whilst providing realistic pragmatic coaching (as a regular coach would) but with all the scientific and background knowledge of expat and intercultural issues.
Again, many thanks for sharing your feelings – if everyone did this expat life wouldn’t necessarily be a whole lot easier, but expats would understand a little more as to why they’re going through what they feel, and that they’re not losing it 🙂
Chris (@CoachingByShake)
Chelsea Umm Alex says
I’ve been very passionately urging my husband to move the family from the US back to his home country of Sudan. This post gives me some things to consider. I appreciate the raw emotion and comments.
Note to self: Bring KitKats to Khartoum.
Amanda Mouttaki says
There are a lot of things to consider. I highly suggest going for 6 months or a year open ended. I am so glad that we did that.
Jenn Sutherland says
Amanda, you are so brave, and am so grateful for your posts sharing your honest ups and downs in learning the ways of life in Merrakech. We think of you often, enjoy all that you share about your life in Morrocco, and still hope that we’ll be able to visit sometime next year. So glad you have the support of MarocBaba and are pushing through the blue times and appreciate the differences that give life its zest. XOXO!
Holly says
Hi Amanda,
Thanks for sharing this.
Going on my 14th year as an expat in the Middle East, I can say that these feelings never entirely go away. They come and go, maybe not as intense but still there. As my parents age & as my oldest child is in WA State in college, I still get homesick sometimes and wonder what I’m doing here.
Also, it seems that other American expats around seem very well adjusted and I wonder, what is wrong with me? Turns out EVERYONE goes through ups & downs while living overseas. (Whether it’s Marrakesh, Paris or Dubai)
Meanwhile, when I’m having a bad day and blaming the place I live, I always remind myself that I had bad days in Seattle, times when I felt isolated and misunderstood, times when I longed to be somewhere else…
Feel the feelings, realize they won’t last forever. Then make plans to do something unique to the place you live.
Happy ‘Thanksgiving!!
Sara @ Simply Sara Travel says
Thanks for sharing your feelings so honestly. I’ve been through the transition moving to France, and yet when I look back on my visit to Morocco I can’t imagine how much more dramatic of a transition you are going through. It does get better, and you are not alone! One day you’ll be able to look back at this time, maybe re-read this post, and see how far you’ve come.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving! 🙂
Amanda Mouttaki says
Thanks for commenting! Mostly I’ve moved through this – I wrote this post awhile ago and only now got the courage to finally publish. I’ve realized there will always be ups and downs, no matter where we live. It’s developing the coping mechanisms that help us get through them.
tea in tangiers says
really enjoyed reading this amanda – we have moved around a bit and people often say things like – how exciting . . . so exotic etc etc – and yes it often is, but as you say it is a choice and often a trade off is involved. Getting on with day to day life is often the hardest thing to do in an “exotic” location!! xPauline
Amanda Mouttaki says
Thanks for commenting! Isn’t that the truth? When everyone around you is on holiday and you’re not–what a drag!
Aimee says
Thank you for sharing this honest, heart-felt post. I often dream of living abroad as an expat. It’s nice to read a realistic take on life abroad so anyone can be prepared for the whole experience. As always, sending you wishes for all the best from back in the US!
Emily says
Hi Amanda, that must have been cathartic for you writing that! Thank you so much for sharing. As you are already aware, you are certainly not alone. I find it hits me in the winter (bizarre eh!). Please email me if you’d ever like to meet for a coffee in Marrakech. You never know, we may even just be round the corner, I’m in the burbs. Keep up the good words!
Amanda Mouttaki says
Hi -yes quite cathartic! I’d love to get together – we really might be neighbors I’m outside the medina too 😉
Sunshine Sal says
Very recognisable – I know all those stages intimately, including the kitkat binge. Thanks for your honesty, and for explaining so beautifully that it is not so much the place as the experience itself that causes these moments – or weeks – of despair.
My favourite author (Julian Barnes) once noted that living in a foreign country makes everything more intense – the little highs are much higher (I arranged a working internet connection YESSSS!) and the little dips much lower (that person didn’t wave as I passed = I will never fit in here or anywhere why am I so alone and isolated and afraid?). It takes time getting through those phases to feel a sense of groundedness and stability which enables us to endure the highs and lows without them being so powerful or overwhelming.
It’s an enlightening, enriching, nourishing but at times exhausting process. Know that you are not alone.
Love and sunshine from Tamraght
Laura @MotherWouldKnow says
Amanda, I feel honored that you trusted us, your readers, with such an honest view of your life and feelings. You are brave and strong, not to mention insightful about your situation. xoxo
Amanda Mouttaki says
I am so thankful I have sweet friends like you, even if you’re not nearby!
Melissa says
This is my life to a T! Except for the part with kids! One of my lowest lows was laying in bed catatonic and my husband, Red, literally had to dress me. I told him it felt like I had fallen in a black pit and couldn’t get out. I’ve also gone literally running out of stores because salespeople follow too closely, and refused to even go out for something simple like milk! It gets better, but it also gets worse and the worst part is you can go through these stages more than one time. I go through them pretty much every time I come back from a visit to the states. It’s hard because no matter how much Arabic I learn, or how confident I am, I will ALWAYS look like an outsider/tourist, even when I’m 60! I just can’t stand the ‘Bonjour mademoiselle’ ‘hello pretty flower, special price for you’ schtik anymore. Just makes my blood boil! I have places that I absolutely will not visit alone, mostly in the Medina because I’ve gotten confrontational and can speak enough Arabic to do damage. In my daily life, though, I find a nice strong Salamu alaykum works wonders! The woman in the pharmacy yesterday conversed with me in Arabic the entire transaction and even told me to come back and see her soon and called me sister (khoti)! Little things like that show me that I’m adjusting and sorta halfway finding my place as an expat and wife of a Moroccan. Also, my in-laws are gems! Thank God for them! They truly are my family and I don’t think I would have lasted a year without them!
Amanda Mouttaki says
It makes me sad and happy to hear that I’m not alone. It’s kind of exhausting isn’t it? On the rare times when I go out and am indistinguishable as a foreigner (mostly the days when I keep talking to a minimum) or have positive experiences I walk away feeling light as a feather. It’s the bad days that drag it all down. Thank God for understanding husbands because I’d have jumped off the roof were it not for him!
[email protected] Life with a Double Buggy says
Amanda, what a wonderfully open and honest post. Expat life is not at all all rosy and positive. Until you’ve been through culture shock you can have no idea how debilitating it can be. I moved to the Netherlands in 2000. In 2001 I was close to returning to England. Understanding that it’s a curve you go through , being prewarned, helps I think but I had no idea then. Thankfully your husband understands!
Amanda Mouttaki says
Debilitating is the exact word to describe it. I do think it helps to know what’s coming but I could never have imagined just how bad the isolation and depression would be. I’ve never felt like that at any other point in my life. It also made me have a lot more empathy for people who struggle with depression all the time.
Olga @ MangoTomato says
What a beautifully written post Amanda!!! HUGS x 1,000!!!!
Amanda Mouttaki says
Thank you xooxox
Lynn Sheppard says
Thanks for being so honest, Amanda. Life here in Morocco can be b****y difficult. I have lived abroad before, I have had culture shock before, but nothing like what I have experienced in Morocco. Like you, I found the key thing was to plan things to look forward to: trying new restaurants, visiting a different place, catching up with friends…. Kinda hard when your partner only has one day off a week and the whole country has planning-aversion…. But we are changing our life for the better, incha’allah!
Amanda Mouttaki says
Yes inshallah! It threw me for such a loop. I am glad to know others have had similar experiences, but it makes me sad at the same time. I wouldn’t really wish it on anyone! The silver lining is I’ve come through it and feel much more resilient because of that.
Melinda J. says
Lynn Sheppard-
Planning aversion! I just laughed so hard!! I know exactly what you mean. My father in law is the type where as soon as everyone is awake (full of coffee or not) he wants to know what everyone is doing, where, how, and what time. Bless his heart, if it wasn’t for him the rest of the family would be wondering about now knowing what to do it seems! I like to plan, to an extent, my husband is much like his father. When we are in Morocco I have wonderful plans, but then we never end up following anyone’s plans. I just wanted to share that with you and thank you for the good laugh. Unfortunately, I can understand that it can be extremely difficult. Just try to find the silver lining and laugh! It is rather amusing if you back away and look inside from the out. 😉
Diane says
Totally relate to this and have written about it as well. People will romanticize life in France but like you said we work, buy groceries and live our lives — I’m not sitting around eating croissants and visiting museums all day. I’m not on vacation. And I’m not “lucky” either. I made the deliberate choice to move here and accept the good and the bad. But these days it’s overwhelmingly good. 😉 I’m here for ya if you ever want to talk…
Amanda Mouttaki says
WHAT you’re not sitting around eating croissants all day?!?! The lucky thing always gets to me – I want to say if you’ve ever had to get a carte sejour approved you might change your mind on the luck thing… ditto the talk – we really should sometime soon!
Alyson says
I get it, I totally hear you, I went through the same thing in Australia before finally leaving. There was a honeymoon period, a time when I rushed around loving everything, full of excitement at our new life and the new friend we’d make. It didn’t turn out that way, after 7 years I had to leave, to be honest I should have left after 3 years. I banged my head against a brick wall for those last 4 years, there were ups and down, some excellent highs followed by hideous lows. I could never settle there and I don’t want to go back, but if we do I’ll give it my best shot because I know myself better now. I know that I’ll never fit and won’t try and reshape myself to do so. You have to be true to yourself .
Amanda Mouttaki says
I think one positive thing is that I’m learning to know myself. What my limits are and how to practice self-care. Were I to have never been put in this situation I don’t think those are things I would have learned. It takes being outside of your comfort zone to recognize them. Love your last sentence. Spot on.
L.L. says
I’d love to move to morocco (mr. is from Sla) but he says there are no jobs….
Amanda Mouttaki says
Come visit first 😉 It’s not an easy place to live but it can be an amazing place to live – just have to know what you’re in for. I sort of disagree on the jobs question, though it depends some on what your skills are. There is LOADS of opportunity in Morocco, you have to have the motivation and willingness to work for it though.
L.L. says
i think he meant in Sla. Or he just didn’twant to live there with me:( it doesn’t matter as we are divorcing;) but now I will most likely never visit morocco 🙁 could never afford it on my own as i am on a fixed income….