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One of the most often read and commented posts on my website is about assumptions people make when you tell them you married an Arab. I tend to let the comments section just roll as people share their own stories and experiences. Some are good, some are bad. When I wrote that post I really wanted to share some of the crazy, and sometimes rude stereotypes people had/have about marrying a Moroccan man and felt no need to censor, sharing them openly with me.
I am really blessed that my husband and my marriage has largely defied those stereotypes. I know many other women (and men) whose relationships also defy them. I know yet others whose relationships fit the stereotype. So in this post I’m going to be brutally honest with anyone who is considering marrying a Moroccan man. Some of what I share transcends Morocco, but as I’m not as familiar with others I’m not really qualified to talk about them.
Family and children
These are essentially the two most important things in Moroccan life. Both men and women see marriage as a very important life milestone and aside from a select few, having children is a desire. If you can’t have children either for health reasons or because you’re past the age of conception, you really need to think long and hard about how sincere and honest your partner is being if he says he doesn’t want children.
Economic and educational status of your spouse will have some bearing on your relationship.
If your partner has been able to travel outside of the country they will likely have a much different worldview than somehow that has not. If they have received higher education than they too will have a different outlook and a wider set of opportunities. If they have zero opportunity in Morocco than they will be looking to leave the country. Don’t become the way out if there’s no other basis to the relationship.
Socio-economic background has a role in every relationship, couple that with cultural and possibly religious difference and you will face challenges. For the majority of Moroccans there is limited opportunity to travel abroad so typically there isn’t as much general knowledge about life outside Morocco. Immigration is a crash course. Even well-educated Moroccans can struggle to find work in their country. While your partner may have a degree that would lead to a well paying job abroad expect they will have to start over when they immigrate. Many international degrees are only partially transferable or not at all. This can be a major strain on a relationship.
Geographic location in Morocco
A few weeks ago we took a trip to a village in the middle of the Atlas Mountains. We went through tiny villages some of which jogged my memory to conversations I’ve had with women “dating” men in Morocco. I was struck by the contrast of rural and urban Morocco. I said to MarocBaba “can you imagine how hard the transition from life out here is to life in Marrakech, then imagine what it would be like to live here your entire life and get on a plane to the US!” If someone told me I was going to have to live in a Moroccan village after getting married I would flat out say no. Life for a man there is HARD. Life for a woman in rural Morocco is REALLY HARD. There is a completely different subset of cultural rules and obligations. This can not be minimized and must be considered.
Don’t Change Yourself to Fit some “ideal”
It’s not uncommon to hear of men asking their wives to change this or that to be “better.” If your partner asks you this, be prepared to stand up for yourself. Some may argue this is done as a way of “helping.” No, this is done as a means of controlling. If someone truly loves you for who you are than he should be ready to accept who you are. If he can’t, walk away. Seriously, walk away.
Jealousy
There’s a sentiment in Morocco that jealousy is a sign of love. It’s pretty typical for men to be jealous of attention their wife or fiance may receive. This isn’t to say it’s bad for your partner to have these feelings but it can lead down a rocky road. You need to pay attention and if things are out of control then step back and reassess the situation. What may seem loving and endearing can quickly become controlling.
This may seem all bad but it’s not meant to be. Each person will internalize these scenarios in their own way. But, if you think I am being negative let me offer you the other side as well.
Loyalty and Dedication
A trait I’ve seen in every level of Moroccan society time and time again is the level of loyalty and dedication both men and women have to their families. I see this as quite noble and something that is nearly evaporated from western society. There is no doubt a Moroccan man will be loyal and dedicated to the family he was born in. You may see that as a betrayal of your marriage and it takes time to grasp how family dynamics here work but know the infinite strength of the Moroccan family unit will extend to your new family. Just don’t expect your partner to completely cast aside his family loyalty as soon as you tie the knot. It won’t happen.
Traditional Gender Roles
Traditional gender roles are alive and well in Morocco, even if they are slowly being broken down by new generations. This might grate on western notions but it’s really not all negative. Moroccan men take pride in providing for their families. It’s also a requirement that Muslim men care for their families financially. Even if the wife works outside the home, the money earned is hers and hers alone – it does not have to be used to provide for the family. I’ve also seen that while men may appear to be the typical “macho” man on the outside in private it’s a different story. I see more and more men caring for their children, preparing meals, and doing daily tasks which is increasingly important as more women work outside the home. Why are these traditional roles a good thing? Every dynamic is different but there’s something to be said for a husband who wants to provide for his family financially and wants to take the lead. Finding a good balance between the two is perfect.
Religion
Most Moroccans I know, men and women, have a “live and let live” policy when it comes to religion. They can be devout but they don’t pressure their friends, neighbors or loved ones to be the same way. They might encourage them or help them if asked but there’s no bad blood between them. In many marriages people have told me their spouse becomes more religious as time goes on. This isn’t just unique to Islam or Moroccans there have been plenty of studies that show this is a general trend as people age. Having a partner who is grounded in their faith can be a huge positive on a relationship. Coupled with the typical Moroccan attitude you can expect your partner isn’t likely to pressure you in your practice. It’s worth noting that Moroccan men can marry Christian and Jewish women and are encouraged to allow them to practice their faith unimpeded.
Contemplating a cross-cultural and potentially interfaith marriage is a big undertaking and really must be thought out. There is a lot of fraud relating to the marriage of Moroccan men to foreign women, it’s a fact and so it’s advisable to move forward with caution. That being said, there are plenty of genuine, amazing, and wonderful Moroccan men that are exceptional husbands and fathers. My final piece of advice, don’t be blinded by vows of love and devotion, take your time and discover who the person really is. Consider all angles before diving in.
I’ve turned off comments on this post as I am contacted nearly daily about different relationship advice, help finding marriage partners, and whether or not I think someone’s relationship is real. I am not able to answer these questions (or provide matchmaking services) and hope that you understand. My advice, if something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. If you are seeking a partner, be yourself.
Other Posts on Relationships
6 Assumptions People Make When You Tell Them Your Husband is Arab
6 Assumptions Make When You Tell Them Your Wife is American
My Money or Our Money: Navigating Finances in an Intercultural Marriage
beth says
Hi…just want to ask. I have a morroccan bf. He loves with me and my daughter and my mother Here in the u.s. He is like Sharon s Moroccan man. Cook and etc. he had no kids. Neither of us are msrried. He has gone to visit his family this week and told me I can’t come unless we are married. I talk to his brother online and he asked why I wasn’t coming with him. I told him why. His parents know about me and they know about my family here. I just read somewhere that the men don’t bring home girls unless they going to marry. Now I have an engagement but …be didn’t bring me there? He said they were asking for me when he arrived? ? So he told his brother to tell me he was sleeping and he goto there and then he called the next day. He was saying he can’t wait to come home. Then he told me he’d call the next day…I know he is busy.he hasn’t visited for 7 years. I can’t help but feel on the back burner. He has texted. but like two texts. Each tIme. Gone a week now. My big question did he not bring me because he really isnt going to marry me? He said to me if I don’t call him he would feel unimportant, im the one feeling like that! I’m just getting scared a little. Any thoughts?
Indiana Born and bread says
Advice needed please. I met a Moroccan man from Fes last year on line. At first I would casually speak with him or not at all, he continued to contact me even though I mad it clear to him I had no interest in him, eventually I caved in and we really began to have in depth conversations. His English is good and he also speaks Spanish , which I do to, so we understood each other. Over the months I meet all his family, mother, father, sisters, brothers ..etc through Skype. In April I decided to go visit him, while there he asked me to marry him. I accepted. His family seemed to all accept me, and treated me with the utmost respect. Some background about me I am 48, divorced and kids grown, but I am still able to have children. He is 40 so its not a big age gap. He has never been married, nor has children, We have talked about what if I cannot have children, etc.. To him everything is fine. I am going back in October and we will get married, provided the Moroccan government accepts all my papers. 90 % of the time I really feel this is all legitimate and sincere and not after a green card. But I still have some doubt. Could this just be my nerves. I told him we did not have to live in the USA, I could move to Morocco, or we could live somewhere else. He has always said to me it is not about moving to America. Its about him loving me. How do I get over feeling like maybe I am being scammed.
AV says
Amanda, how jealous are Moroccan men and are they as bad as the other Mid East Arabic people?
Amanda Mouttaki says
I don’t really think this is something that can be generalized. It really depends on the person. I don’t feel right offering any type of opinion on it as it will vary so much person to person.
Sharon says
I met a Moroccan man online in April. We had our first date in May & have been together ever since. My story is alittle different. He’s been in the USA for 10 yrs & has 2 kids here w an ex girlfriend who did him extremely wrong. I also have 2 kids, I’m 39 & he’s 35. I’ve never been w a Muslim before. When we started talking I didn’t know he was one. Over the pass few months I have developed strong feelings for him & he for me. Alot of people have said bad things & have miss assumptions bc he’s Muslim. I told him that I don’t want more kids. He agrees. I’ve never been treated better in my life. He’s a great man, a wonderful father. He accepts me for me & doesn’t push his religion on me. He loves his family back in Morocco, esp his mom but doesn’t wanna live there again. I’ve never been happier, I’m just hoping that people will c him for him & not his religion. He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever meet, he cooks, cleans, supports me going back to school. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I’m thinking this is going to last. We live a hr apart, I’m planning to move closer to him in February, we call & text several times everyday, he calls me when he’s in bed so he can go to sleep talking to me. I wish everyone could be opened minded to interracial/ inter religious relationships bc I’ve never been happier. Is the way he is typical for a Moroccan man?
Amanda Mouttaki says
I think if he makes you happy and you’re at peace it doesn’t matter much how typical or atypical he is. Every person is different and it sounds like you’ve found someone that you enjoy being with and vice versa!
BlametheBeach says
I met a really nice guy in Essaouira. We are close in age (he is 3 years older), and we had a lovely time. He is a gentle soul, very respectful, earnest guy. He totally wears his heart on his sleeve, and after what I will admit was a super romantic evening (nothing scandalous) , he pretty much put it all out there about how he feels about me. Long story short, I’m back home and we’ve been talking over the phone for 2 months now. One thing bothers me though. Whenever we talk, he is outside–either alone or with his friends (who I met in Essaouira). He lives with his older sister, and if I call him when he’s home, he is super quiet or runs to another room. I asked him about this, and he admitted that he hasn’t mentioned me to his sister or anyone else in the family. I’m not expecting an announcement or anything, but I was able to casually tell my sister and father about him. I feel like if you’re hiding something/someone, maybe it’s because you feel like you’re doing something wrong…which IMO means you should stop. I told him this, and he agreed that that usually is the case, but says it’s not in this circumstance. He thinks it’s very bizarre that I can talk to any family members about him, and he says it’s unusual in Morocco unless you’re going to introduce your wife. Do you find this to be true? I’m trying not to make this a big deal if it’s a cultural issue because my brain is thinking of other possibilities/reasons. I might go see him in September and I’m wondering what would we even do? Am I not going to meet your sister? What will you tell her about where you are?
Amanda Mouttaki says
I would say it’s largely true, it’s not common to bring a girl home ever unless it’s your wife or someone you want to or plan to marry if you’re older. Though if something feels strange to you then you should certainly listen to your gut. It is very uncommon for Moroccans (men or women) to talk about someone of the opposite sex that is not their spouse.
BlametheBeach says
Hmm, thanks for your response! He is 32 so you are probably right. I will definitely listen to my gut, and we will need to talk about a few things over the next 2 months. It will take some getting used to because I’m not ready to jump into marriage with him yet, and I’d want to see the family dynamics before we get any more serious. He would definitely need to meet my family before I could commit to marriage. Seems like it is the reverse situation with him.
Oleca says
Im also dating a moroccan guy for the past two years online and I’ve met his mom and his friends on skype he doesnt hide me and he is muslim and all so idk about ur situation I think that you should talk with him about ur concerns and tell him to talk to his family about you if he loves you. if he is too afraid and makes excuses then i think he doesnt think ur relationship is serious…
Lauren says
Hi, I’m currently dating a guy from Marrakech and I’m really confused on our relationship. We have been talking for 3 months now and have just currently started “dating”. We were planning on maybe meeting this summer but he told me that he doesn’t want me to pay and that he wants to work towards it until he can afford it himself. Is he trying to avoid it or should he be trusted? I have trust problems due to my past and I have been very scared since reading that Moroccan guys r munipalitive and say what girls want to hear. If u could please help me understand him and his intentions and maybe give me advice on how to figure out if he is good, it would be greatly appreciated.
Amanda Mouttaki says
I don’t think that’s odd, actually I’d take it as a good sign.
diane says
I just married my boyfriend in Morocco we met on.line and i went to visit for a month and we got married .. his family mom dad sisters all helped put it together it was soo beautiful and his mom got me 5 dresses to wear and there was drummers and singers and catering and all his family showed up i felt like a queen they all loved me .. his mom hired 2 woman to dress me in each dress and change my jewelry for each dress . And rented a beautiful house to have it in . I love him so much and he loves me i feel lucky to have such a sweet man in.my life he cooked worked cleaned washed my hair when i took a bath he just did everything for me and bought me what i wanted
elizabeth says
hi Amanda, I was hoping to get your opinion. I was in a relationship with a Moroccan man for eight years, we were engaged. we never had much problems in our relationship and I was totally happy with him and I thought he was with me. I came home from work a couple of weeks ago to find he had packed his things and left while I was at work. what do you think could have happened. we only talked a couple of times since then and the only answer I get about why is “no choice”. so I asked him if he loved me and he said yes but again “no choice” do you have any idea what that means?
Amanda Mouttaki says
I can’t say for sure but it sounds like his family may have had plans for him to get married to someone else and he has followed along. Eight years is a long time to be dating and not married (in Moroccan terms), and it’s possible that he was “promised” to someone else for sometime. He may have thought it would go away but perhaps the family pressure was finally too much.
elizabeth says
yes but why would he get engaged to me and stay with me for all that time just to run away to marry someone he didn’t know. I’m all confused and can’t understand nothing about this situation. He was very nice to me over the years and I was nice to him. I was 100% sure he loved me and then all in one flash it was gone. Its all a mystery. His brothers are living with christain women and nobody in the family says anything to them so I don’t know why they wouldn’t want him with me. I just am devastated and lost and I can’t do nothing…accept wait and see if he will find it in his heart to come back.
elizabeth says
well I have some good news to add to the blog…he came back to me…I’m so happy.
Maureen Omolo says
Loving this article.
I’m dating a morrocan guy
I’m from Kenya and obviously our traditions and religion are different.
Thank you for this article, it is very helpful.
Courtney says
I’m not enjoying any of this as my situation sucks lol. This man confuses me. We got into it really bad about a month ago and then he texted me late Sunday night with an apology. The dilemma with the idiot is he really likes me and is conflicted with trying to be only my friend and not anything more. So yesterday we decided to start over and we will be meeting this coming Monday. He says he wants to see me. But my body language is going to be different with him and I think he’s not going to like that. But what am I to think when he’s not reliable and then there’s that ring he wears…..
ameenah says
Hi Amanda,
I recently just come back from marrkech after spending a week on holiday. One the day I was due back a guy who works at the hotel as a entertainer left me his number. Whilst I was there he never looked at me in a wrongful manner or indecent way. He always spoke very politely and repeat fully. The due day I was due back for England he spoke to me a little bit more and left me his number. I always seen him in the hotel and liked him as I felt he was very decent and never looked at you or starred at you or looked at u up and down. I contact him and we have been talking for a week now. He is 26 and born an bread in marrkech. He told me that he really likes me and wants to marry me. At 1st I thought am I an escape route but I dared to tell him that. So casually I asked where would he want to live if we did get married. He explained he would be happy to live anywhere as long as I was with him as he wants to marry me and wants a family. I do like him and I feel it’s too quick to say anything. He said he will wait for me till I go back to marrkech and wants to introduce me to his family as a girl who he wants to marry. He also explained he never said anything to me whilst on holiday as he respected the fact I was there for relaxing and plus he didn’t know what to expect if he told me. I explained the fact I can’t give him an answer as yet as it’s too soon and he was fine by this. He said if I didn’t want to marry him he was happy with that and respected my choice and wished me luck if I refused. He said he wants to be with me in a halal way and the only reason he is talking to me is he wants marriage. I really respect him for telling me this. He also told me about his past that he had women in his life but they refused to marry and wanted just fun.. could you help me in what to do? I am also considering the fact I want to settle. I am a pakistani born and bread in England and I am a teacher.. your knowledge and guidance will be much appreciated sister.. sorry about the long essay x
Amanda Mouttaki says
I think your situation is a little different than many others as you are wanting a halal arrangement (at least it seems this way!) Do you have a mahram, parent, or trusted friend that could speak to him? Do you share a language? Perhaps you could talk on the phone or online a little more. I would generally advise against jumping into anything before considering it a little further and spending a bit more time getting to know each other.
ameenah says
Hi
We are now speaking online and trying to get to know each other a little more. I have my sister who is willing to speak to him. We don’t share the same language as I speak urdu and English where as he speaks Arabic and other languages, and one being English. Which is how we communicate as he can read write and speak English. I will be going back to marrakech next year in shaa allah and until then we are going to speak and know more of each other.
Akilah says
Salam wa alaykom Sister!
I’m so thankful to have found your blog. I’m an American Muslim (born and raised in Islam) getting married to a moroccan man in about two months in Morocco. I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating this process had been so far lol aka soooooo many papers. Inchaalah, everything will go smoothly, but I can’t help worrying about the bureaucratic aspect of this journey. I finally received my background check from the FBI, so hopefully the rest of the papers are a bit easier to acquire. I hope you and you’re family are well inchaalah. Thank you for the amazing blog 🙂
Layla says
Great post Amanda. I currently broke up with a Moroccan man that I was dating bc of religion. Being a Christian and him a Muslim, he told me that he would only marry someone who is similar to his mom (who is veiled) and someone she approves of. He told me his mom prefers him to be with a moroccan even though he doesn’t see himself with one. It just hurts to know that he didn’t really fight for us or at least try to put a little effort into making it happen. His mother is everything to him, and he values his family a lot. Is this common in morocco? Or is he just giving me an excuse.
Amanda Mouttaki says
Yes, what you’re describing is something I have heard many times and is common. Even though I’m sure it’s painful, it’s probably better it ended before it went further. I would say his issues have less to do with religion and more to do with culture.
Courtney says
Hi Amanda, maybe you can shed some light on my situation. About 3 months ago I started talking to a 30 year old Morrican man. He is here in the US to study for 3-4 years. Since talking, he and I have grown close and met twice. However, I suspect he’s married since he wears a gold ring on his wedding ring finger and the fact that he has a 16 month old. Baby brother in which that name is inscribed on his ring.
He has vehemently denied he’s married or has kids. But has told me he would introduce me to his parents as a friend only, as he knows his mom would never approve of me since I’m not of his culture.
He says he doesn’t know what he wants sometimes, but has told me he won’t hurt me in any way because we can’t have a future together……
Any advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂 thank you -Courtney
Amanda Mouttaki says
If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Trust your gut!
Courtney says
Thank you Amanda. My gut was right and he wasn’t good.
teresa says
My 21 old daughter wants to marry 23yr morrocon, shes been to see him on 3 visits, one lasting a month. His family support the idea. He works in a hotel as a fitness instructor. Over skype the family appear nice and are kind to my daughter. My daughter has for many yrs suffered with M.E/CFS & fybromylgia which require ‘heavy duty’ pain killers and at certain periods can be bedridden for months at a time.. how can she move to morroco and get the medical care, how will they live, how can they finance their marriage. I dont doubt they are in love, they are young and impulsive. I to help them but in the right choices. Your advice will be welcome thank you
Amanda Mouttaki says
I’m not sure where they’re planning to move but there are quality doctors, hospitals, and medications in Morocco. I can’t really say how will they live or finance things, I’m assuming in the same way that other young people who get married do. I’m sure that it won’t be easy because marriage never is and of course as a mother understand your concern. Perhaps they will try it out and see it isn’t viable and move to the US, or perhaps it will work and they will stay in Morocco. I know it can be really hard to leave things to chance but sometimes that’s what life is all about.
Nadira says
My marriage is with muslim Moroccan man and honestly I listened only to my heart. I didnt follow all these steps in this article. But we love each other and I am ready to live everywhere with him, it doesnt matter where, it does matter only the company! If you want to ask me some questions about my marriage, I am ready.
Aly says
Hi! I’m currently dating a Moroccan man and I really want to understand more about his culture, etc.. Anything you want to share I would love to hear! 🙂
Amanda Mouttaki says
Hi Aly – take a spin through the archives, I’ve written quite a bit on this!
EEG says
Amanda…Really enjoy your posts and reading your perspective on all things Moroccan. I notice from your pictures that you wear a scarf. Respectfully, and without getting into your personal business too much, I would like to know what prompted you to wear the scarf? Or is it something you have always worn? Just curious as it remains an enigma to most westerners. Thank you again for your wonderful blog.
Amanda Mouttaki says
Hello – not too personal no. I’ve gone back and forth with wearing hijab. It was very hard in the Midwest US where we used to live to wear it. I faced a lot of problems. I chose to wear it in Morocco out of respect and that it makes life easier. At least that was my first reasoning. After some time it just became a part of me and it felt like the right thing to do. It is freeing to have the focus be on me as a person but I still feel like that depends on where you are. Traveling as much as we do, the reception varies from place to place impacting my experience.
Teena says
“4. Don’t Change Yourself to Fit some “ideal” seems a bit knee-jerk. I think it’s more nuanced and complicated.
1-People change in a relationship (sometimes to the worse). Offering unconditional acceptance for someone being “who they are” -or even who they became- is not realistic.
2-Things (sometimes major flaws) are discovered after marriage. Are we supposed to just accept them?
If your discover your spouse has always been more or less a sex addict and sleeps with other people, are you supposed to accept them for who they are?
Amanda Mouttaki says
I think what you said is valid of course. The point I was trying to make is don’t change yourself to fit what your partner may want. For example I often hear women (and men) say “oh my boyfriend/girlfriend said we can’t get married until I do xyz…” or “you would be perfect if you just…” if someone expects you to change for their demands or wants then it’s not a healthy relationship. I think you took what I said the opposite direction that I meant it!
coffee in a cup says
i really enjoy these posts, amanda – keep it up!
Sierra says
My Boyfriend lives in Morocco, We met on Omegle about 4 months, right away he asked me out. He has been very nice to me the entire time. We talk daily. We skype sometimes with the video on sometimes with it off and we talk to each other for hours that way. Im kind of scared he could be using me to get a green card, but when we were talking about getting married and him coming to live here I mentioned something about me going there and marrying him making it easier for him to come here and he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to do that. half of him wanted to because it would be quicker and half of him wanted to just get himself here all by himself. Then i mentioned something about my family thinking he was just using me for a greencard and he said thats why he didnt wanna do it that way …. but he really want to get married fast and it still kinda scares me that he might be
Sierra says
oh and im 19 and he is 24 almost 25