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Today’s post is at the request of a reader who will be traveling to Morocco soon. The topic may seem straight forward to someone living in North America or Europe. If someone has a nice shirt you might say, “wow I really like your shirt!” to which they’ll typically respond, “thank you!” or some variation of this conversation. Certainly the frequency and context of making and accepting compliments varies depending on country however it most often is simply an exchange of pleasantries.
Not so in Morocco.
There are some unwritten rules to complimenting here – and you’ll find yourself more at ease if you know before you go. Before I get into this let me point out it’s impossible to generalize ALL Moroccans, certainly not all of these apply to everyone. There is a wide range of protocol depending on social class, where in Morocco they live, and whether it’s a rural or urban environment. None of these will fit everyone, and I’m sure I’ve missed some – please keep that in mind while reading!
To illuminate the points I’ll give some examples.
You: Wow! I really love your scarf! Where did you get it?
Your Hostess: Oh you like it? You can have it!
You: Oh no no I just was wondering where I could get one too.
Your Hostess: No, no I insist! *hands over scarf*
Awkward pause.
Crap.
How to Deal with This Situation
Option 1: Take the easy way out avoid complimenting altogether.
Here’s what I’ve learned we (Americans) often use compliments as a means of small talk. A lot of times we don’t genuinely mean it, sure we might like something but we’re not head over heels with it and we certainly don’t want it for ourselves. Other times we are curious because we’d like to buy it or something similar but we don’t want yours. So if you find yourself veering this way, just stop talking and enjoy the silence.
Option 2: Accept the gift if it’s given…
…but be prepared to give the giver something of equal or greater value the next time you see them. So it seems really genuine that a gift is given this way but know there’s usually some expectation that you’ll be giving a gift back at some point that is of equal or greater value. Of course sometimes it really is genuine but the rest of the time there’s an expectation of something more.
You: Oh it’s so nice to see you! How have you been?
Your Hostess: Wonderful and you?
You: Really good! How is your husband? It’s been so long since I’ve seen him
Your Hostess: Fine.
You: Of wasn’t he going to get a new job or promotion?
Your Hostess: Yes.
You: And? What happened? He’s such a good man and hard worker I’m sure he got it!
You Hostess: *Changing subject*
This conversation went downhill fast. Some general advice, don’t talk about another woman’s husband or if you’re a man don’t ask about another man’s wife. It’s fine to casually mention or ask about them (and other family members) in conversation but not at length, and nothing beyond a very basic question. This may be slightly different if you are really good friends but if you are acquaintances or have just met don’t do it. I asked MarocBaba if he ever asked his friends about their wives and it was a resounding no. When I asked why he was puzzled as to why someone would ask that and said he would be offended if someone asked him about me in anyway beyond just a general inquiry. It’s just not polite.
Gift Giving Advice
Lots of people ask me for suggestions on what to bring as gifts to family and friends in Morocco so here is some general advice.
Don’t bring homemade gifts – it’s not what’s “from the heart” that counts. Really, it’s a nice thought but handmade gifts here hold almost no significance. People really do want material things.
If it’s a long term friendship – keep track of gifts (birthdays/weddings/etc) the expectation is when it’s your turn to give a gift you give something at least the same value and possibly slightly bigger.
Gift ideas for first time meeting (prospective) family members;
- nice chocolates, cookies, or candies
- perfume for women
- small toys if they have children
- candles
- kitchen towels or table cloths
- baseball hats (men and boys)
You may be invited to visit someone’s home in Morocco. It could be a friend or someone you’ve just met. In these situations it is customary to bring a gift. Invitations are often extended for lunch or coffee time. Some ideas of things to bring;
- milk
- yogurt
- cookies
- small gift or treat for kids
- flowers – if someone has gotten out of the hospital
- sugar cones – this is common in rural areas especially or brought to families if someone has died.
I tried to cover some of the larger issues here but if there’s something I’ve left off that you’re still wondering about leave a comment and I will do my best to answer in the comments or update the post.
Tina says
Hi. I am leaving in two weeks to go visit my fiancé in Morocco. I will be meeting his family this time (for lunch) and am having a hard time with what kind of gift I should give his mother and father. When I mentioned any type of food, he reminded me that it would likely not be halal and I definitely don’t want to give them anything that would be offensive or disrespectful of their religion/culture. My fiancé mentioned maybe a robe/slippers for his mother, but he’s having a hard time thinking of anything for his father. The only idea he came up with at this point was something to do with shaving, which I told him I could buy a nice shaving kit, but I’m still not sure if that is appropriate? I’m running out of time to purchase their gift and I absolutely don’t want to go into their home empty handed. Do you possibly have any suggestions, because I’m at a loss?! I had initially thought about buying his mother a couple of nice scarves from here, but maybe the robe/slippers would be a better idea? Any ideas and suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated!
Amanda Mouttaki says
First, don’t get yourself too worried. I’m not sure what he means that most food wouldn’t be halal – there’s literally loads of things that are perfectly fine. Something small and meaningful is more than enough. A nice scarf is always good, honestly I think a robe and slippers is a little too personal for just meeting them the first time. Depending on what his father likes, I notice a lot of men like baseball style hats. You can pick up a nice assortment of cookies from a patisserie and bring those and some flowers. I’d really just keep it as simple as possible.
Tina says
Thank you so much for the quick reply, opinion and ideas. I agree, I believe keeping it simple is best, especially with it being the first time meeting them. Also, he has five brothers, all of which are grown except for one who is around 8 years old. Would it be considered “rude” to give the youngest one a gift, since he is still a child, but not give the others a gift? Or is best just to keep the gift giving to his parents?
Katie Bond says
I would like to have my new Moroccan family over for dinner (I am still in the U.S.), although I will learn quickly, I do not know how to cook Moroccan food. I am a good Midwestern United States cook. Do I make them an American meal or not attempt until I have been living in Moroco for awhile?
Amanda Mouttaki says
If I were you, I’d make something that you’re comfortable making. Roast chicken with mashed potatoes with gravy were always a hit with my inlaws!
SGMA says
Hi Amanda – Just re-reading this post as I sit in my husband’s family home in Moocco and am smiling at every point. Touché on each one! I was so happy to have read this a while back, so I have refrained from random compliments to avoid awkward moments with the sweet ladies I have met.
Also – the list of gifts was bang on. Before we came, my hubby stocked up on baseball caps and tshirts for friends, cologne for family and when we visit he always picks up sugar, yogourt and chocolates.
I’ve had so many amazing social experiences – our new niece’s baby blessing (what an elaborate affair!). Men and women celebrate separately, so I had a lot of time with my sister-in-laws and all the ladies.
We were also invited to a magnificent Berber wedding – where I was sat right beside the bride & groom – a truly lovely gesture towards me as the most foreign guest (yikes!). This was a bit awkward, as we could only make it to day 2 of the wedding and the huge Berber tent was filled with over 400 beautiful women..and me..at the centre of it all (no men allowed, so I was flying solo at this one, too!). For the dinner, I asked to be moved to a smaller table..which was totally fine!
I could go on!
I’m finding that small gestures and respectful greetings/goodbyes are what counts the most here.
Thanks again for your blog – I can now relate to so much of it. The mother-in-law/family dynamic posts are resonating, for sure (I have failed the doing laundry Moroccan style so far!).
I’m in week 3.5 of 5 in this beautiful country and will miss it when I leave!
Cheers!
Shawna
Ibtissam C says
Hi Amanda, I have come across your blog a few weeks ago and I really enjoy reading it. You seem to havr really adjusted to your life in Morocco which may sound obvious but I (as a Moroccan) know what a challange it can be!
As for the customs described above, you are right in that Moroccans (women more than men) often like to be seen as over generous which can be awkward if for some Moroccans. The scarf example is a good example and to respond to Diane’s question, yes they would offer a very expensive scarf, in fact if the scarf was really cheap or of a bad quality they would be too embarrassed to give it away, it is a genuine way to show that they really like you and have respect for you and not necessarily to expect a gift back. The other way is not true in that a Moroccan would not compliment you on something precious that you own if they suspected you might want to offer it to them.
I do however slightly disagree on the “material gifts” and that homemade gifts are not appreciated. Traditionally, people have always made everything at home, from cakes to clothes to jewellery, bed linen etc and so gifts used to be entirely homemade. Nowadays everything is sold in shops at very affordable prices so people find it easier to shop ready made things than make them themselves. This applies to occasions like Eid, women used to spend week preparing various dishes of sweets and little cakes to offer to the guests but this has changed in the last decade or so as everyone buys them from shops. Food is often the number one gift and if you were to offer a cake you would be expected to buy it from a patisserie as opposed to a supermarket’s brand but that’s the norm even in western countries I think.
As for enquiring about someone’s spouse, if you have never met their spouse and know very little about them I wonder why you would persistently ask about them! That’s bound to raise some suspicions lol. However, if you know them well there is no harm in enquiring about their news. The new generation are educated and open minded and it is very common for couples to socialise together.
Amanda Mouttaki says
I so appreciate your insight! But, I also think there’s a different interaction set between Moroccans and Moroccans and Moroccans and foreigners. Even though I’ve lived in Morocco for some time and speak the language now I’m still a foreigner and am treated as such. I can tell you it’s a different world. I had a Darija teacher and when we (students who were all living in Morocco) began telling her our daily struggles and what we needed the words for she was blown away and told us how different our world was to hers. Experience has also shown me if you don’t fall in line with what the expectations are you’ll be talked about to no end. How do I know? Plenty of situations where women didn’t know I understood Darija and took full liberty to express their thoughts about me or other people. The homemade gifts…yea I think we’ll agree to disagree here! Whenever I’ve even hinted at this suggestion (something homemade) I was strongly rebuffed and told how shameful it would be to do something homemade – that only in the bled might that be ok. I have to say in the west this isn’t the case. A homemade gift would actually be much more appreciated than something purchased because it shows that you put time and thought into creating or making a gift.
Ibtissam C says
Wow, things must have really changed in the last 15 years since I left Morocco….I can assure you that homemade gifts were the norm when I was growing up and I don’t come from “the bled” but from a major city. I remember my mum spending hours baking and decorating her cakes when we were visiting relatives and my aunt who was a dress maker giving away traditional scarves and gandouras which were very appreciated but I don’t recall at all seeing ostentatious gifts or even perfumes except in weddings and engagement parties. But I guess people do “evolve” like everything else and lose the real values of their intentions which is a little sad.
Well done to you anyway for learning Darija, I didn’t even know it could be taught lol. As for feeling like a foreigner I think that’s universal and very few people can fully integrate in a foreign society, it takes generations for that to happen. I can certainly relate, I’ve lived in England for 15 years and even though I am totally immersed in the culture and consider it as my Home, I still feel like a foreigner sometimes.
Katherine says
What a helpful post and comments, bismillah. I am fascinated to learn about the way that it could be perceived to ask about someone’s spouse. I understand that in Morocco, it could be seen as intrusive and as possibly even a sign of dishonorable intent. Where I grew up (the deep south region of the USA), one of the ways that we show that we care about our friends is by showing interest in the people who matter to them…which usually means their family, particularly their spouse. There is some variance by region (for instance, I live in the northeast now and people are a little more private about their family life) but in general, Americans tend to value friends who ask about our husband/wife. I’m glad I read this blog post so that I can avoid this topic on my upcoming trip to Morocco – thank you!! (Side note: are jobs/careers also considered rude to discuss?)
Amanda Mouttaki says
It’s fine to ask in general about their family but my comments at least were directed at asking specifically after the husband to a wife. You can discuss jobs/careers that’s not a big deal.
A reader says
I have experienced some ridiculous behaviour (some of which you mentioned in your post) from Moroccans, it’s the kind of stuff that put me off the idea of ever visiting their country, as charming as it seems superficially.
I disagree with going along with Moroccan norms such as avoiding giving home-made gifts, or giving a better one back. I mean not everyone is made of money and even in affluent cultures it’s about giving something heartfelt that you have put effort into.
Secondly, there is no harm in enquiring about another’s partner, so long as it is not inappropriate, it’s actually a kind and considerate thing to do. I remember a European woman once saying / justifying how her Arab husband would be incredibly angry if one of his friends enquired about her. All I could think was her husband’s mind must be in the gutter if he thinks that way – about his own friends too!
I can’t help but think that you feel like a guest in Morocco so are keen to be aware of local customs but some things should not be justified. I mean you as a non-Moroccan can bring something to the local culture also, even if it by way of not accepting ridiculous social customs that ultimately uphold deeper held values that aren’t ideal.
Amanda Mouttaki says
One thing I’ve learned over more than a decade is some things are just the way they are. I am not going to judge their culture even though it’s different from mine and I might not agree with it. I don’t always just go with things but you pick your battles and I’m not up for trying to inject my own cultural judgements and bias into this context because ultimately it won’t do anything. We as outsiders may see it as “ridiculous” but this again is where our own judgments and bias’ come on. It’s taken me a long time to come to a point of understand and acceptance and while things still drive me crazy I know it is just how it is.
Lisa says
Thank you!!
Diane says
Oh wow, I had no idea about most of the things you mentioned. In the scarf example, what if your scarf was really expensive and someone complimented you on it? A Moroccan woman wouldn’t offer to give it away, right? Kind of makes me sad that it’s best to sometimes not compliment at all. I love making someone’s day with a genuine compliment. 😉
Also, I could see myself getting into trouble with the asking about someone’s spouse thing. It’s not like that in France but there is a definite distinction between private & public spheres and sometimes my small talk (which isn’t done here) veers into the private sphere (like normal American follow up questions could be seen as prying in France). Cool post!