There is a lot of baggage that comes with marrying an Arab man. The American reference point for this part of the world is limited to what they see in movies and what is on the news. Sure there are some Americans who have been to this part of the world but they are few and far between. The media view of Arab men is less then stellar so it shouldn’t come as a big surprise that there is a lot of negativity linked to their perceptions. I really wish I would have kept a notebook with all of the comments I have received over the years. One of the most surprising facts for many Americans I’ve spoken with is the fact that there are Muslim and Christian Arabs, and that Christian Arabs (shock) use Arabic for their services and in fact use the word Allah for God. Most assume all Arabs are Muslim. These are a few of the other assumptions people have had about my husband (not him as a person but him as an Arab man).
1. He Must/Will/Does Physically abuse you because that’s normal for them. You can insert any of those words at various times in our relationship. This was a comment regularly made by people who heard about our relationship. It was interesting to me that the us vs them mentality always existed in this example. Never mind that most people lumped everyone who is of Arabic descent into the same category and culture. My husband has never abused me in any way. Are there men who are abusive and happen to be Arab? Yes. Are there men who are abuse and are of every other nationality in the world? Yes. One’s culture does not single them out for behavioral traits.
2. He Will Expect You To Be His Slave. Yes, really. There are a host of things that there was an expectation I would do but the idea that somehow I was subjugated to serve him was a notion that blew me out of the water. I’ve wrestled with what this assumption meant as a reflection of me and my ability to judge character and remove myself from a bad situation. I’ve never been a slave to anyone and I certainly have never been beholden to serve my husband.
3. He Will Make You Wear “That Thing” On Your Head. People have assumed that marrying an Arab man means he will force you to wear “that thing” (a hijab) all the time. Hijab is a choice that Muslim women make. I won’t disagree that there are many Arab/Muslim men who would hope that their wives would wear a hijab but there are also men who could care less.
4. He and/or His Family Will Sell You Into The White Slave Trade. I couldn’t believe someone actually assumed this and verbalized the idea to me. I guess it just goes to show how far fetched some people’s ideas can be. If this doesn’t sound like a plot straight out of the movies I’m not sure what is. I’m not downplaying human trafficking. I know this is a real issue but to assume this based on ethnicity is absurd.
5. He Will Kidnap Your Children. This is a very real concern for some people, and I don’t disagree that it’s important to be vigilant. However, child abductions occur by men (and women) of every race and ethnicity. Being Arabic does not predispose someone to engaging in this type of behavior. That being said, I know my husband would be calling me for backup after about two days of having the kids on his own.
6. He Will Make You One of His Many Wives. Oh really? I’m pretty sure he’s got his hands full with just me. Arab Muslim men are permitted to have up to four wives in many countries. The US is not one of them. In most other countries, including Morocco, the permission of the first wife must be in place before a second marriage can occur, not to mention he must prove he can financially provide for two homes. If I ever had an inkling this were a remote possibility I would file for divorce. There is a reason for having multiple wives and it works for some people. Couples should talk about this prior to and during their marriage if it’s a concern.
There are so many other smaller things that people have assumed from the “dirtiness” of Arabs to riding camels. It’s difficult to hear how little knowledge many people have of this part of the world. It also makes me sad that there is such fear and hostility in most people towards Arabs. Education is the only way to start changing attitudes!
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Twitter: girlichef
says:
My husband is Mexican, so people automatically assume a lot of things about him, as well. Of course, first and foremost, people think he married me to get his papers. Um, hello. And yes, there are a lot Mexican men and just as many Mexican women who marry for that reason, but that doesn’t mean that all of them do. (There are more…that’s just the main one.) Ignorance.
Oh that’s a great one too – I get that a lot but I left if off my list because I have a feeling anyone who marries someone from another country gets that. Really sad.
Twitter: srushton1
says:
Hi, Amanda,
I am so glad you wrote this! As an American living in Dubai I cringe every time I hear ignorant statements from folks back home who are so insular that they harshly judge all people, especially men, from Middle Eastern and other predominately Muslim countries, by what some radicals have done. The “news” that is shown in the US definitely contributes to that ignorance.
You are light to the world. Keep on shining!
Stacy XOXO
Thank you so much for your kind words – I can’t tell you how much it means to me!
“Are you sure he didn’t just marry you for a green card?”
“Does that mean you are going to convert to Islam? He is going to make you convert, right? He’s not ALLOWED to marry a woman who isn’t Muslim!”
Arab = Muslim and Muslim = Arab and Muslim = Arab = Wahabist or Saudi or Taliban… So many people have little or no concept of the venn diagram of the Arab world vs. Islamic world. And I’ve even had people say “Okay, so I get that you can’t let the terrorists represent Islam but you also are telling me you can’t let Saudi Arabia represent all of Islam? Why?!” without understanding that Saudis make up less than 2% of the world’s Muslims!
“Your kids have to be Muslim then, when you have kids, right?”
“Is he independently wealthy?” (Ha! I WISH!)
“Does he want you to stay home and take care of the kids? He doesn’t help cook or clean, right?”
Also, a pet peeve of mine that I found in your post: it’s “Arab” men, not “Arabic” men.
Arabic isn’t usually used as an adjective. (http://www.beedictionary.com/common-errors/arab_vs_arabic_vs_arabian)
I changed that just for you Katy. I think another problem with that word is that I think Arab has a negative connotation. That has nothing to do with grammar just it’s use in colloquial English.
Aw, thanks! Ha.
I know, there are bigger things to worry about then semantics, but as you know, words are powerful… and it’s important in my mind to be sensitive to using the right terms.
That being said, I still struggle with whether to say “Berber” or “Amazigh.” You can’t say the latter easily in English, and it’s more likely people have heard of “Berbers” than Amazigh. I know many people who are Amazigh who call themselves “Berber,” and have never been faulted for it. But the etymology is problematic, and Amazigh– free people– is much more representative. But I still use them interchangeably…
Agan– just a pet peeve!!
also- did you see that crazy arabic/arab discussion with the z-guy in vj a few months ago? HA.
A muslim man is allowed to marry a non muslim woman if she believes in god (i.e. jewish or christian).
Yup. My husband is Muslim; I’m Christian. The list that I posted in response? ALL things I’ve heard.
Yes, my Muslim boyfriend said the same thing about who a Muslim man can marry. He said that me being Christian and remaining Christian would not prevent us staying together and/or getting married. I have had to quote him on this to so many people who think he plans to “force” me to convert to Islam.
Thank you so much for writing this!! Several people have expressed some of these same stereotypical assumptions to me since I started dating my boyfriend who is from Pakistan. He isn’t even Arab, but people still apply these same assumptions to him because they either assume he is Arab based on his skin color and Muslim beliefs, or they don’t realize Pakistan isn’t in the Middle East. I am continuously shocked at some of the things people think and say. I am sorry you have had to deal with such assumptions, but I commend you for your commitment to educating people about this. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of your travel, culture, and relationship type posts!! : )
Also, I really can relate to this statement you made here– “I’ve wrestled with what this assumption meant as a reflection of me and my ability to judge character and remove myself from a bad situation.” I felt the same way when people said some of these things to me!! Surely they couldn’t think that I would choose to date or stay with someone who would treat me like that!!
As salamu alaikom Amanda;)
The only negative comment I had made to me was by one of my sisters (when we first got engaged) was that when we visited morocco he would take away my passport and trap me there. HAHA! We have been married 3 years (mashAllah) and I still have not been to morocco, due to lack of money (at least $1500 on RAM). My other sister just doesn’t like moroccan men b/c of a bad expierence she had when she was in morocco. What I really hate is feeling like I have to choose between him and my parents/sisters/family, but MashAllah once the met him (only my parents and 2 of my sisters met him) love him! LOL
I was happy to see that you included the last item on your list, because it’s what I got the most. That and myself and the other wives would have to walk four feet behind our husband when in public. It’s a huge point of humor in our house, and like you said, my husband has enough to handle being married to only me.
Another thing, that doesn’t quite fit on the list, but kind of goes along with a previous posters comments relate to my conversion. I feel like I always have to tell people I didn’t convert for my husband. That I converted before we were married. Before we were engaged even. Regardless of whether they ask or not. When we first met (he’s the first Muslim I ever met), he wouldn’t even answer questions about Islam for me. He said he didn’t want to be accused of trying to influce me, etc. After getting frustrated with him providing ZERO answers, I had to forge my own learning path. After doing so, I made the decision to convert. He never forced, he never even encouraged, hinted, or suggested…
Oh and yes, my dad did expect him to beat me. He formed this assumption after meeting two muslim men who were in a court ordered class for men who were accused of spousal abuse. I simply reminded him that he was also in that class.
I loved this article! You share so much about the culture and facts. My husband is Mexican and people assume he is “macho” and has me in the kitchen all day cooking and I can’t go against what he says. I laugh because I do speak my mind and I do love to cook, but because I love food. He is sweet and a complete gentleman at all times. That’s why I married him
I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I’ve finally realized that stewing about all the things I’ve heard really isn’t productive and that maybe is some little way I can start a conversation with others about topics like this!
Oh man Amanda I’m so sorry you have had to deal with that type of crap. The multiple wives thing is sorta ironic considering that plural marriage is actually prevalent in the states, they just have to stay secretive. Sister Wives anyone? Glad you are starting the conversation!
Twitter: laurazera
says:
Amanda, great post, all things that need to be said, unfortunately, but at least in this day and age the internet has given us a platform to get the word out!
I’ve found certain other things to be true of Arab men – not necessarily the ones listed here! I’m sure each of us could make our own list!
Twitter: JerseyBrideHH
says:
LOVE this post. My husband is Indian, and I have gotten some of these, too – that I’ll be expected to be obedient and that he’ll steal our kids. I also get a lot of questions about how we handle the religious differences, because people don’t seem to realize that there are religious group in India that aren’t Hindu. My husband belongs to the Mar Thoma church, and our religious “differences” are pretty straightforward, similar to any other Christians who belong to different churches but are still Christian. But my absolute favorite are people who question if he married me for his visa, which is pretty stupid considering he got his citizenship 6 years before we were even married. He’s an American, so maybe he married me for a different reason, like, oh I don’t know, maybe he loves me! You can’t fix stupid (or ignorant).
I’m glad this post has transcend the Arab stereotypes! People think they’re so smart..until they realize they’re not! My husband now wants to write a post called 6 assumptions people make when you tell them you married an American.
Twitter: wanderingspice
says:
I’ve just stumbled on this post – albeit a bit late – and loved it. In fact I had a deep belly laugh at most of the assumptions, because I understand you 1000%.
I’m first gen Palestinian-American. My family is Muslim technically (mostly agnostic with the exception of my grandfather and late grandmother), and very forward thinking. Despite having an Arab name people never place me as Arab: 1) I’m not dark enough for their stereotypical liking and 2) I’m too politically liberal, as is my family. I used to take this very personally but now, knowing how ridiculous it is, I laugh and do my part to show people that Arabs are not what they see in the news.
I’m not married to an Arab man (my husband is Australian) but many of the stereotypes you listed here, I’ve heard about my dad. People have asked me if I was allowed to date, how I married a non-Arab, if I have skewed perception of gender roles, the list goes on.
I love that you’ve started this conversation. It’s realistic, at times quite funny, and equally frustrating truth that many of us face every day.